Bittersweet Anticipation

About fifteen months ago I brought home my son Byron from the hospital, sat on the couch, and cried. When my husband asked why, I exclaimed, “because in only five months it’ll be his first Christmas!” Ah, postpartum hormones. And the sudden realization that time would most certainly refuse to let me savor these first weeks with my sweet baby boy.

What followed were some of the longest months of my life. Though, I can confidently say now that time is indeed a thief. Where is my tiny baby? And who is this independent, funny, brave boy I have running/climbing/falling around my house?

With the new baby on the way, I am imagining all the changes in our life. I am stealing every hug and kiss I can get from my son, and wondering what he will think of the new baby. Right now, he is mine and I am his and that is really all there is to it. Except when I snuggle “Dada” and he has to force himself into our laps.

Last week, I nursed Byron for the last time. The journey was slowly coming to an end, and with pregnancy (and a sometimes inconsiderate toddler with TEETH), I decided to wean him before I was completely fed up. That way I could end it on a good note. Now, Byron wants snuggles more often. Sometimes he begs to drink his milk while sitting on my lap. I oblige, and we cuddle and I sing to him while he happily babbles and sips from his cup.

I am immensely grateful for the time I spent nursing my son. When we first brought him home, I struggled so much to feed him that I worried I’d be pumping for a year. Instead, through the grace of God, a supportive family, and much determination on my part, I was able to nurse my son for 15 months. What a blessing!

It feels so bittersweet to be finished. And while there is so much more to look forward to as Byron grows, I’ll miss the sweetness of nursing my first baby. With the new baby on the way there is so much excitement, but I’m also going to soak up the snuggles with my son before he has to share me with a new lil’ cutie. Excuse me while I cry for the next 5 months.


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