Finding My Way Home

I am not even going to look at the date of my last post. I already did two days ago, and have probably blocked it from my memory out of shame.

A lot has happened in the year (or more, idk) since my last post. But I am not going to turn this into a list of reasons why I haven't posted, nor am I going to apologize for my absence. I will say this:

Life is all at once a beautiful sunrise and a dank swamp. Maybe it is even a beautiful sunrise IN a dank swamp. Who knows. I am not a metaphor-making genius. I just know that oftentimes I feel simultaneously bogged down by difficulty and stretched by hope. For every beautiful thing in my life, there is a challenge to overcome, a fear to face, illness, loss, rejection, hurt, anger, and the struggle to justify faith in a world that seems so ridden with muck. 

I am not trying to be negative. But that is the reality. And it is the reality for so many people. Life, in all its joys and triumphs, also holds a great deal of difficulty. And I have struggled with that. As a raging perfectionist, I have never wanted to share that side of my heart. With anyone. On stage I present a performance that is as close to flawless as I could have made it in the practice room. In my writing I polish my most personal work until it is ready to be shown to the world. I like to neatly trim the truths of my existence to make it easy for others to digest, so that I won't have to admit to anyone but myself that getting to where I am today has been exhausting.

I haven't written for the blog in over a year. I could tell you a thousand reasons why I haven't, and many of them would be kind of true. School, work, graduation, moving, friends moving away. But the real reason is that I had a rough year. There are so many memories that make me smile, laugh, and fill me with pure joy. But among those things I was struggling to accept my changing circumstances, worrying about the future, and crying out to God because I wondered what my purpose was.

And in all of that struggle, I couldn't bring myself to write. Because I couldn't bring myself to share what was on my heart, because it was too difficult. What I was feeling felt too dark. But I also couldn't bear to write something insincere.

I have grown a lot. Prayed a lot. In this God has revealed His way to me and I have a firmer grasp on His hope, and no longer fear the tempestuous thoughts that fill my mind. He has reminded me of my love for writing, and it is a tool that has helped me to understand myself and how I navigate the world.

With my eyes firmly fixed on His grace, my writing can again be a place where I talk about life. I can be free to share the truth about the hardships of the everyday without feeling as though I will be lost in the darkness. I feel hopeful, and feel brave enough and strong enough to write hope, even when it seems hard to find.


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